I know, I know

There is this old man down at Potters who I have never spoken to but I know others who I volunteer with give a lot of respect. He was sitting with this girl and talking with her when another, younger man interrupted the conversation. The younger man could easily have been forty or older but he was younger than this old man. The younger man seemed to have some sort of mental disorder because he had no respect for the conversation that was going on and just interrupted with random comments like, “I saw you at the bus stop yesterday but you didn’t come over to talk to me,” or, “I have really bad teeth you know. I can’t chew much, really bad teeth."

He seemed to repeat himself much like Dustin Hoffman in ‘Rainman’. He also had a very loud a grating voice. It was almost like he was whining or like he was forcing the words through his throat. These constant loud comments through out the service drew much disdain from those around him. He was shushed and told to be quiet numerous times in which he responded, “I know, I know.”

The more it happened the more comical it became. If he really knew that he was disturbing the service he would have stopped but it was obvious by his actions that he couldn’t care less or didn’t have the ability to hold his tongue.

It was later in the week as I fell to temptation that I saw myself acting the same way. I found myself tired and thinking only of myself and when the Spirit convicted me I said in my mind, ‘I know, I know’ as I reached out with my hand to sin. I see that, like this younger man, I either didn’t care enough to restrain myself or I didn’t have the ability. I find him comical and mentally damaged and now I see these labels can be applied to myself as well.

* * *

I went down to Potters for an Alpha course they do on Mondays. I had just finished a golf game and had no time to go home to change. There was a pert of me that didn’t want to go because my attire didn’t feel appropriate. It was awkward to be seen in my clean white shorts and my preppy golf shirt. It was awkward for it to be known that I had just spent roughly $50 to hit a little white ball around a park for the last four hours while I was about to eat with people who may be having their first meal of the day. No one asked a question or made a comment other than the bright red sunburn on my forehead. I actually had a great time participating in the alpha course with some of the east side community. I know that Pastor Debra, the woman who pastors the mission, often wears very nice clothes. She does not dress down as I often do when I come to the east side community.

I began to wonder if some of the joy I experience in serving this community is not joy in the Lord but joy in the alleviation of the guilt I feel for having the wealth I have. I spend so much time idly playing games and watching videos. And for maybe one or two days a week I will go out for a couple of hours and do, ‘acts of service’. I know it’s good; I’m not really knocking it, I just know with what I have been given I should be doing so much more for the sake of the Lord.

The conveniences I can afford are damaging to my soul and spirit. They insulate me from experiencing trust and faith in the Lord. In Psalm 52 it says, ‘See the man who would not make God his refuge, but trusted in the abundance of his riches, and sought refuge in his own destruction!’ Trusting in my riches brings about my own destruction.